Vain Glory

July 1st 2017
Okay, OMG idk how to start this. So I was tagged to take part in #writeadiaryjuly challenge so here we are. If you don’t already know me (then why are you reading this?) my name’s Anya Roberts, or Saint Anya if you follow me on social media or Youtube. So since this is a diary and I’ll be writing this nearly everyday for a month omg I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, I’ll start by telling a little about myself. I’m 20 years old, omg I’m so old, and I was born and raised in Lakewood California where I lived with my parents. I started my social media page when I was still at school, probably around the age of about 14 or 15, and I think I started my Youtube channel when I was about 17. I went to Lakewood college studying fashion design for 2 years which was a total blast and I met so many cool people, yes hello to everyone, I love you all!
Since graduating college my social media and Youtube presence has grown exponentially, wow did I just use that word? Don’t even know where I learnt that. I moved from my parents house to my own apartment in Hermosa Beach California about a year ago and for that time I’ve been really focused on my Youtube channel, and we’re near 500k subs! Yay!
So you already know what videos I make, fashion, makeup, lifestyle, all that jazz, with all that said, if you haven’t already, check out my YT channel and my social media page. OMG I’ve like, written a paragraph or whatever they call it already, I think it’s the most I’ve ever written since school, or maybe college. I can’t be bothered to write anymore today but we’ve got the whole month to go so….plenty of time.
Hope everyone reading this has a great day.

July 10th 2017
Day 10 of #writeadiaryjuly, okay so it’s the end of the day as I write this and it’s been a great day. Me, Lucy and Carli did our Vlogs while we went shopping earlier so check out the video when I upload it. We literally just went out on a, like $10’000 shopping haul! OMG I’m so excited to show you guys. So we went shopping in DTLA, of course you know me, the first stop was at Saint Laurent. I finally got the gorgeous golden purse I wanted last time we went shopping, it’s really cute, there’s like this little tassel on the front with the YSL logo just above it, and inside there’s like this chain for putting it over your shoulder but you can just detach the chain if you wanna’ just carry it as a purse. I saw these really cute pair of gold heels in there as well, I bought them cos’ they were like cute and they went with the purse, honestly you guys, I can’t wait to wear them both together.
Lucy was fixated with going to Gucci, and you know me, I’ve literally never walked out of Gucci without spending, it’s not even funny. I’ve needed like a mini backpack for ages so I bought this one with the Gucci monogram design on it and it has like these golden bees in the pattern, omg it’s so cute. I bought another one the same but without the golden bees in case like, the gold didn’t go with my outfit, so yeah.
We went to Balenciaga after that, omg I went nuts in there, I’m not even kidding. I’ll show everything on my YT video of it but a couple of the things I’m most happy about are the cashmere turtle neck sweater, and this pure white denim jacket with the Balenciaga logo on the back, omg I’ve been waiting so long to get one of these, literally nowhere has it in my size.
So as far as todays diary goes I’m gonna wrap this haul up, I’ve still got the video editing to do so yeah, see you guys tomorrow.

July 30th 2017
Wowhoo you guys, it’s the end of the month and I’m so close to finishing the #writeadiaryjuly challenge. So tomorrow’s the last day of the month, and so me and Holly have got something really exciting lined up. WE ARE MEETING UP WITH GRACIE MOSS! Yes Gracie Moss, the most popular female model working with Vanity Fair for the last year and a half, has agreed to meet us downtown tomorrow!
OMG I’m so excited to show you guys! Watch out for the video!

Private Diaries

August 5th 2017
Didn’t think I’d be doing this, the hash tag challenge is over, and for the last 5 days, I’ve missed writing a diary. It’s good to have these things as memento’s to the stuff we do, so I’m gonna keep writing. This is now my own personal diary, none of this will ever go online. To be honest it’s nice not to have to play up to my audience like I do on social media and Youtube, this is my space.
I’ve had this feeling recently, as if, I don’t know, the things I buy aren’t making me happy like they used to. The shopping haul we did last month, it’s as if those things have been worn, and now they’re not so special anymore. I’ve gone out since then buying stuff, and, I don’t know, it’s like the same thing happened. I wanna’ feel pretty, I mean, I am pretty, but I want to feel it. I always spend hours on my makeup and everything before I go out, and that makes me feel happy, but I just don’t know why the things I buy don’t make me feel the same anymore.
Oh well, I guess I’ll figure it out.

August 14th 2017
I’ve been feeling a bit down recently, I’ll be honest. Stuff online is, well, I dunno’. My social media isn’t growing like it used to, and the same for my Youtube. I hit 800k followers on social media, and now it’s like I’ve run into a brick wall. It was the same for my Youtube when I hit 500k subs, an uphill climb that seems impossible to finish. I mean, I’ve put on a little weight recently, but it’s just a bit. Maybe it’s that I’m not skinny enough anymore, I’ve been keeping my tan up so it can’t be that and I literally live in the salon so my hair and nails are always perfect. It makes me think, maybe I’m not what people want anymore, maybe I need to change, or more frighteningly, maybe I’m not good enough…..oh god, did I just say that?
It’s late, I think that’s enough diary talk for one day.

August 27th 2017
I don’t understand this anymore, I’m actually losing followers now, what the hell? I’ve lost weight, changed my hair up a little, done numerous clothing haul videos of stuff that’s been in this month. At first I thought I wasn’t happy because I didn’t have enough, so I went out, and I bought more, but this actually made the problem worse. Now I feel an emptiness inside that no amount of retail therapy can combat. God I hate what’s going on right now, I feel miserable inside, that’s the only word I can use to describe my internal conflict. And to make it worse, I have to lock all this up and put on a smile in front of the camera, in front of my friends, in front of everyone watching.
I don’t know, I just have to stay positive, look up and forward to hopefully better things.

Scared And Scarred

September 4th 2017
Oh god, something really bad’s happened. Oh no, I think this is really bad! I can’t remember exactly what happened, I’m in hospital now, my face is bandaged up and it hurts like mad, I can’t see out of one eye. I don’t know what’s happening and I’m scared. I don’t know what happened and the doctors won’t tell me anything, I can’t get out of bed, I feel dizzy whenever I try, I’m so confused, maybe I should just sleep.

September 5th 2017
Oh my god, I’ve started remembering it now. Okay wait, my parents have just left, they came in to see me earlier. Okay I need to try and calm down before going on.
I can remember what happened now, I think it was on the 3rd, I was walking home after seeing Holly. I was literally a block away from my place when someone jumped me, a guy with a messed up face, he knocked me to the ground, I swear he had a knife or some kind of blade, but after that I can’t remember anything. Oh god I’m wondering if what I think has happened, really has happened. I’m scared to find out, I’m freaking terrified in fact. I was able to get out of bed today and look in the mirror, almost my entire head is bandaged, one of my eyes is covered, oh my god I hope it’s not too bad.

 

 

September 6th 2017
The doctors said they’ll change the bandages later and let me see, the more I think about it the more terrified I am. The head surgeon spoke to me earlier, the police came in as well for a few questions. They told me what happened, Oh god what am I gonna’ do? They said I was attacked with a knife, that I sustained significant injuries to my face and head. No that just sounds really bad, now I have this feeling I’m not going to look like I used to anymore or something. My parents are coming in soon, they’re going to be there for me when they change the bandages. I’m going to carry this on later.

Oh my god! Whatever I was expecting, it’s way worse. Oh god I don’t even look like me anymore, the scars, I can’t do this at the moment, it’s too soon.

Metamorphosis

September 8th 2017
Okay, I’ve been trying to deal with this, but I can’t. That image I see in the mirror, is that really me? I’ve had the bandages changed again yesterday, and I just can’t see how that’s now me. The first time they removed it all, I screamed, I screamed at my own reflection for gods sake. Oh god is this really happening? Please tell me this is just a nightmare.
They’re discharging me from the hospital tomorrow, we’ve decided I’m gonna’ go and stay with mom and dad for a while before going back to my own place.

September 10th 2017
So it’s late in the evening now, Mom just changed my bandages, and again I was confronted by the thing looking back at me in the mirror. I can’t believe this, it’s really happened. I don’t even look like me anymore, pfft, what am I now? Just nothing, I’ve got these scars all across my face, one of my eyes has been partially destroyed, they’ve had to do all these horrible skin grafts on my face now, I’ve only got half my nose left. No no no no, my mouth’s torn away at one side, again, grafted. I don’t know, I don’t know what to think, to feel anymore. Now I feel like the rest of the trash in Los Angeles, worthless.

September 12th 2017
I’ve been putting on a brave face in front of Mom and Dad. Holly and the rest of the girls have visited, I did the same with them, put on a brave face, but inside, inside I’m a different matter altogether. I keep looking at myself, I’m nothing now, trash, discarded, the world didn’t want me and now it’s disposed of me. How is that monster in the mirror me? I can’t, I just can’t accept that, I refuse to accept that. What I had before, I’ll never have again, this is the end.

September 15th 2017
The image in the mirror is not me, not anymore. This has lead me to question myself, I can put on a brave face to the outside, I can pretend, but who, what is really inside? What is the being, the entity that is experiencing those feelings? Because right now, what is on the inside, doesn’t feel at one with what is on the outside. No one can tell, I’m the only one that knows. I’ll be going back to my own place soon, no doubt everyone will persist with their visits, but that’s alright.

September 19th 2017
I’ve been back at my own place for 2 days now, all the girls have visited. But I find it strange, when I’m around them, I revert back to my previous self, like I was before this happened. Which is good in a way because none of them can tell what’s going on inside, I know already if I started asking them the questions I ask myself they’d probably call my parents who’d call a shrink. But now that I’m here, when I’m alone, I’m confronted with the hours, minutes and seconds of uncertainty, doubt and wondering. I have all the time and space I need to think, I can see two distinct halves of myself, before and after. Two personalities inside my mind, which is me? I don’t know, am I even either of these? Or am I just the abstraction, the entity that’s experiencing these thoughts and feelings? I know I’m not the reflection in the mirror, that’s just meat, flesh that life hasn’t yet left, it is just an aspect of me, but not actually me.
I will continue to meditate on this.

September 23rd 2017
I don’t know who I am, one or the other, before or after? I sense it is neither, I can no longer associate with my physical self, I mean, it’s a physical manifestation of me, but not actually me. I feel a kind of relief from this revelation, the shackles of vanity and outward appearance being lifted. When I refer to myself as I, it is a reference to something I cannot see in the mirror, it is something abstract, illusory, an entity, some sort of idea. I can look at my physical interpretation in the mirror, look into my remaining eye, and even in that eye, there is no real me, there is simply nothing there.

October 9th 2017
With time, the girls have been coming over less and less frequently. This doesn’t bother me, in fact, I enjoy it. I no longer wear any of the bandages inside anymore, no weight pulling me down. This last week or so I’ve felt something coming up inside me, anger, hate, though I can’t define exactly what’s been causing it. To be honest, I’ve never really felt real anger, and certainly not hate, such emotions simply haven’t been part of my life until now. Holly and Carli were going on about social media last time I saw them, it means nothing to me now, that whole life means nothing to me, it is the life of someone or something else, somewhere I’ll never be going again. All of those things, all that material stuff, that life, they’re all things that were created by the mind of humans. Things that hold value only in the mind, but nothing resembling any kind of value in the physical world. That is to say that, that world only exists in the human mind. Earth and everything on it, is just an idea, something illusory created by the mind. Of all of man kinds creations, none of them are valued by the natural world, their value exists only in the mind, this world is merely something illusory, and none of it matters, people just think it does because they can’t see outside of the illusion.
I realise now, nothing matters, and nothing is important.

October 16th 2017
I’ve been meditating on these thoughts, abstractions, ideas or whatever they are. My anger has given rise to pain inside, and it is constant and sharp. Some people try and make this world, this illusion a better place, but I don’t want to contribute toward that. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others, I want no one to escape. Nothing is real, and everything is permitted, the people and the objects in this world, are merely tools to be used in order for me to exact my reprisal. Tomorrow I will venture outside for the first time, it will be the first step.

October 17th 2017
So earlier today I went out, I walked around Hermosa Beach, but this ended up being short lived because of my bodies image. At first it was lots of looking, then people started coming up to me, it was the worst thing ever. As if I need the sympathy of those whelps living in the dream of nothingness, it should be me giving them sympathy. But there was nothing there, no emotion, no sadness or shock, just the pain and annoyance. I never realised it before, the people, so undisciplined, waltzing around as if the life they’re living, is never going to give way to something else, something worse. They’re all meat, flesh there to be used, to be manipulated, and that made me want to inflict horrors on them even more. If I’m going to go out relatively unnoticed, I’m going to have to at least find a way of reducing the visual impact of the way this bodies face looks. I’ve looked online and found this facial mask, some kind of solution you spread on the face that forms into something like artificial skin when dried. I’m hoping that will reduce the appearance of the scars enough that people won’t notice as much.

October 19th 2017
Well the facial mask worked and I’ve tested it out. I think it makes the face look different to what it did before so its probable that even people that know me won’t recognise me with it on. I’ve been going out incognito, no one has a clue. Because of the scarring, I’ve had to keep shaving the hair on one side of the head so it looks a little like a mohawk now, but this is just superficial. In these few ventures outside, I’ve already made plans, I can see things, opportunities, people are so easy to target. Like I said in a previous entry, I want my pain to be inflicted on others, and this world spoils me with opportunities.

Reprisal

October 20th 2017
Today I planned, set out and executed that plan perfectly. There’s a woman that lives at the other end of my block, she has this dog, a big dog that she struggles to control because she’s too old and weak to. I simply can’t allow that, the dog likes to play fetch, it’s still young, everyone who knows her knows that.
I’d seen her talking to someone on the sidewalk of a busy road just around the corner. I noticed a young boy in the area, too young to know the real difference between right and wrong, and too naive to know the consequences of things either. It was so simple, an easy exploit.
I approached the boy, he was already swinging a stick around that the dog seemed to have already noticed. He’d practically done half the leg work for me, all I had to do was make it happen. I just called him over quietly, told him to throw the stick to the other side of the road, to see if the dog would fetch, so he did. I went back so I wasn’t too visible and watched as it unfolded. Sure enough he went and threw the stick right over the busy road to the other side. The dog, noticing the irresistible bait leapt out and straight into the road, the old woman went straight down as the dog literally pulled her into the road. A sad bitch driving an SUV came haring down the road too quickly to stop for the dog. A moment later it went straight under the vehicle with a loud wet smack, the woman had been pulled far enough into the road that her legs had been crushed by the SUV before it came to a screeching stop. The dog had been mangled under the vehicle as bits of it lay sprawled over the road, it was a pleasing sight to see the woman screaming and blood spattered as she reached for her shattered legs. I enjoy remembering the shades of reds and purples the dogs mangled corpse reflected in the sun light, it made me smile.
Now the world will begin to know what pain really is.

October 22nd 2017
I went to the library earlier, I want more, I need to learn more. If there is any hope of me carrying out my plans, I need to make things look like a simple accident, in a way that no one can blame me for what happened. I want to learn how things work, because machines work for humans, but sometimes they malfunction. Accidents happen all the time all around the world, no one would know a thing. I managed to escape the scene with the dog the other day without being caught, Christ knows what happened to the kid after he threw the stick but whatever, not my problem. Come to think of it, kids are such good approach vectors for accidents, they’re so unknowing, so curious, they’re practically accidents waiting to happen.

November 3rd 2017
Today I saw something unfold like a beautiful piece of music. Somehow no one else saw the risk right there in the open, but me. The plaza downtown have been doing some construction work, renovations I guess you’d call it. They were using this mini crane to lift a series of huge glass sheets up to somewhere above. The area was cordoned off obviously but the workers were walking around carelessly under the glass swaying around above them on the crane. I’d watched one of the workers at the controls, watched enough to see that a stick to the right of the rest of the knobs appeared to be the control for grabbing and releasing the sling. The whole thing was just an opportunity that I took advantage of, I hadn’t even planned a thing.
There were two little boys stood nearby, one of them kept looking at me smiling while they bounced a basketball to one another. They were boys and I knew what boys their age wanted, they wanted to see something happen, they wanted to see action. I said hi to the boy that’d kept looking at me, the facial mask had obviously done its job cos’ my bodies face hadn’t scared him and he approached. I told him to see if either of them could hit the control stick on the right with their basketball, that something cool would happen if they did. Honestly I hadn’t actually expected either of them to hit the target but I withdrew anyway. The boy passed the ball to his friend who took the first shot, and it was a direct hit. The stick was pushed fully upwards and the sling released the several sheets of thick glass. I was so intent on watching the shot I actually missed the fact that one of the workers were walking underneath as the load fell. No one appeared to realise the glass was now falling, I heard a shout from above which landed on deaf ears before the glass crushed a hapless worker. The sound of the glass smashing on the ground turned everyones head , then they quickly became aware someone had been underneath it. The body had given off a beautiful wet crushing sound like a hundred watermelons being crushed in unison, blood and fragments of shattered bone peppered the area as screams emerged from the onlookers.
It was beautiful, like a thousand musical notes emerging in a single moment of time, the place obviously erupted into chaos at the revelation. By this point I’d made my way from the area and out of sight.
I have enjoyed today, very much.

November 15th 2017
I’ve been studying, and an idea has come to me. I realise now the world is my weapon, it just needs me to pull the trigger. The most dangerous things can come from the simplest things, they just need to be used properly. I’ve found that apple seeds contain a certain amount of naturally occurring cyanide, the stuff itself is contained within the seed, they just need to be broken open and the poison extracted. I’ve already bought several kilos of apples, absolutely no one has a clue what I can do with this.

November 18th 2017
Okay, the cyanide poison worked. I knew from the start this would be treated as some kind of terrorist act so I took precautions beforehand. The facial mask covers the scars and disfigurement quite well, though I admit looking in the mirror it does make me look at little off, but that’s alright as long as no one traces me. I managed to find a pair of brown eye lenses and it even works on my bad eye making me look like I have both eyes almost as normal. I found a long dark brown wig as well way longer than my actual hair length. Put together it made this body look like someone else, a person that doesn’t exist.
I’d managed to extract 25ml of cyanide from the seeds which by my calculations should be enough to prove lethal to at least 10 people. I had the stuff diluted with a tiny amount of water and kept it in a quick release capsule. There’s a small cafe on the beach front in Santa Monica, the place is always quiet first thing in the morning, quiet enough that the staff aren’t always even around. I went in and ordered a latte then sat down, I placed the capsule in front of me on the table, waiting for the right moment. I already knew exactly what coffee machine the place uses, the CoffeeMax 850, a 2 year old model made by Intellimax right here in California. The thing has a hot water reservoir which is easily accessible from a draw in the front, pull it open, and there’s the hot water that goes into making the coffee. I sat there pretending to look at my phone and waited for the right moment, then took advantage when it arrived. The girl in there that morning was an air headed Mexican girl who seemed glued to her phone talking gibberish to someone in Spanish out the back. I went right up in silence, the place has no cameras, opened the draw carefully, undid the capsule then poured it in, closed the draw then sat back down, and waited. Soon enough a group of people came in, cyclists by the looks of them, coffees all around. They all sat down talking, and it started with just one of them. He looked like he was choking, or maybe suffocating before the rest of them realised something was wrong and he wasn’t messing around. They all jumped up to help as he fell to his hands and knees, it looked like he was being sick in between his laboured breaths. I remember a beautiful and pained gag went through the air before a wave of white, then red vomit came up out from his mouth. After that, one by one, the rest of the group had the same symptoms. All clutching their throats like the pathetic whelps they were, writhing around in their own filth on the floor, I found it as beautiful as it was disgusting. I’ll never forget the beautiful sick noises people make when they die, their desperation, their hopeless struggle.
I’d stayed for as long as I could without being accosted, soon enough they lay pretty motionless on the floor. I had to pretend I was a silly valley girl so I’d screamed as the girl working came out to see what was going on before running out of the place in horror. I ran, then went to a walk before going down into the nearest train station and finding the toilet. I removed everything, put it in my bag, then made my way back out.
On the way back to my place, I’d seen a group of people all running around looking for a girl with long dark hair, apparently she’d been a witness to the supposed attack.

November 19th 2017
So they’re treating yesterday as a terrorist attack, they’ve clearly stated they’re looking for the dark haired girl who doesn’t exist because she was a key witness to the attack. There’s something addictive about taking lives now, the rush, the panic, the sheer terror it strikes in people. They think any of this matters, pfft, it’s just an illusion, a dim reflection of the real thing. I feel a certain kind of happiness now, but I realise this is just a chemical reaction in my brain, a thing that can be manipulated. Nothing in this world can truly bring happiness to anyone, I just couldn’t see it before. Looking back at myself, back then, I can see I was just a paper doll, a mere imitation of life, of happiness. I was chasing material things, vanity, external factors that have no meaning outside of ones ego. But I can see outside of this plain of existence, beyond the reach of the humans eye, I have surpassed all limits, gone far beyond what was known before, to something outside of perception, to something so devoid of any being, of life or spirit, that it’s almost abstract in its realness.
But I imagine a world where people are actually grateful for something, but not enough blood has yet been shed.

December 3rd 2017
I’ve decided I will exact my reckoning on a particular next, not to take their life, but to take them to the other side of the coin. I know Alicia Carns from way back, she’s always been big on social media, she’s pretty much what I used to be, I simply can’t have that. I want to see my pain inflicted on her, I want the world, the entire internet to see, to be made aware of what eternal, constant and sharp pain is like. I’ve been studying her, from a distance of course. Enough to know she goes to the gym on Tuesdays and walks back, almost without fail, through the public gardens on her way home. The gardens are dark at night and she usually walks back alone, she has no reason to worry, this is LA right? Well wrong, she’ll see that soon enough.

December 5th 2017
So after what happened earlier this evening, what I did, I don’t know if the police will begin to realise the recent string of violent crimes are related. I feel I should stay low for a while, but I’ll wait to see if they begin searching for a suspect.
Everything went just as anticipated, I’ve got a sushi knife here, folded steel and sharp enough to practically make the sky bleed if I swing it skyward. I’d hidden myself behind a large tree, she was alone as I expected when I jumped her. I slashed her once across the face and she fell to the floor before I couldn’t help myself and jumped on top with the knife. She’d passed out fairly quickly but I continued to carve meaningless shapes and gestural disfigurements into her precious frontage the world knew so well. I’d cut some of her teeth and gums out, made deep cuts into her cheeks, even gouged out one of her eyes. After the initial hit, she hadn’t made much sound, in the moment I was enjoying it so much it was a miracle I hadn’t been stumbled upon by a dog walker or whatever. I wanted to scalp her precious locks from her head but was disrupted by the sound of someone approaching before I’d even cut a few inches across her forehead.
Alicia would remember this day for the rest of her life, I took and still take pleasure in knowing that. But even after what I have done, I feel little sense of release or catharsis, and any form of punishment continues to elude me. I feel as though no one knows what I am doing, that the world would rather turn away and block out these travesties I have inflicted onto it rather than pursue the source of all this chaos. I have broken through the facets of reality, but find myself looking into something unreal, as if I’m watching or maybe experiencing the dreams or thoughts of another.
I don’t know if this is real, or merely a chemical imbalance in my brain making me think this way, but my goal remains unchanged.

Unreal

December 11th 2017
This week has been very unstable for me, but outside of that, something happened yesterday that I have no explanation for. Just away from the beach, near the canals, there’s this worthless crackhead living rough. She’s been there for what seems like ages, I took my sushi knife with me last night and went out to look for her. She was in her usual spot, blankets and an oversized hoodie sat against the wall. I started talking to her, which quickly descended into me telling her she was a piece of trash, a filthy piece of fucking trash. Crouched in front of her, I’d gripped the handle of the knife, but that was when something, impossible happened.
I pull the knife out ready to drive it into her stomach, then she looks up at me. But somehow, by some insane and impossible means, I’m suddenly looking at my own face. I’d stopped there for several seconds to try and make sense of what I was seeing. No she didn’t just look similar to what I used to look like, that WAS my old face staring back at me. I’d taken several long seconds staring into those green eyes thinking for a moment I was seeing things, but she just stared back at me, impossibly real. She’d sat there in shock at the sight of the knife, I fell back keeping my eyes firmly on her/my face as I dropped the blade. I can still see it now, my face, without the scars, a paper doll once again. With this impossible revelation I hadn’t done anything, I slipped the knife back under the cover of my clothing, still looking at her as I got up before she asked me to come closer again. I’d been too shocked and confused to return, she called out to me as I went back up the street, but I just kept walking, her calls echoing and wailing through the streets like a lost soul. I haven’t dared go back there again, there’s no explanation for this, I just don’t know. To be honest that evening was like the exclamation mark to the end of a very unstable week.

December 15th 2017
I feel as though reality is falling away from me now, as if it’s somehow dematerialising through the void. I saw Alicia today, I saw her, and she was fine, she was fucking fine! No scars, no cuts nothing, it was as if the attack had never happened. This is simply not possible, I was there, I know what happened, yet these things are staring back at me with impossible certainty. I took pictures when I did her in, I’m looking at the photos now as I write this for gods sake! Earlier I’d seen her but she hadn’t seen me, I watched for several minutes because I had to be sure. I’d really carved her up, yet….nothing, she was happy, pretty, as if nothing had happened. I’d stared at her like I’d stared at that crackhead, expecting something to give, to blink and see something else, to see it snap back to reality, but it didn’t. The plain existence of this impossibility continued to stare back at me, something unreal, made real.
Nothing in the realms of possibility can explain this, it just is.

December 16th 2017
I’m not sure now if this is some sort of dream anymore, or reality. The things I’ve done before, nothing.
There was a monument in the plaza for the worker that was killed, now it’s gone, nothing. There had been another monument erected at the cafe, nothing, gone into the ether as well. The possibility of my reality tumbling through a void of thought terrifies me, how can something made real, now no longer be real? It’s as if a beautiful reality has been snatched away from me, time rewound and reworked, editing me out of the timeline altogether. But in writing this, I realise I can now walk through walls, I can fly high and to anywhere as if the laws of known physics no longer apply to me. It’s as if the world bends to my will, perhaps I created this world after all.
I feel as though I have no more barriers to cross, that I have transcended beyond this world, beyond my urges of a mass murderer and the chaos I have unleashed. Perhaps I’ve actually somehow died, I don’t know. But I still cannot discern if any of this is happening, the more time that passes, the more I begin to think I am in some kind of simulation, a character stuck in a TV show or an image stuck in a Youtube video. I’m wondering if any of this has any meaning, if there is a purpose to my telling? I feel as though no new information can be extracted from this, that I cannot gain any new knowledge of myself from here on, but I’m left with one last question.
Do I have an original thought in my head?